I'm considering this a birthday present from G-d

The hell?!

K.

Recipe for achieving greatness in retail within three months

Ingredients

2 parts humility
1 part humor
1 part agreeableness
4 parts bottling all the negativity up inside so as to unleash it on unsuspecting family members
1/4 part working alarm clock
1/2 part comfortable shoes
1 part non-threatening appearance
3 parts willingness to "share the wealth"
1 part commiseration with fellow co-workers
2 parts laughing at your own mistakes, but making sure not to do it again
1 part coolness under pressure
5 parts perfect attendance
4 parts tolerating very rude people without crying/screaming/hitting
1 part clever time-wasters
various pinches of personality to taste

Procedure

Mix thoroughly. Bake at 350 degrees.

Serves 1

This recipe has been approved by the Sales Associate of the Month, yours truly.

K.

They pay my salary

If there's one thing that I love about my current job in retail, it's that you never know what sort of customer is going to approach your counter. It is, however, easy to classify them into relatively general categories.

• The people who love me-- "My mother doesn't speak English, but she says that she wants to take you back to our country and marry you to my brother." (actual quote)

• The people who hate me-- "No, I do not want a credit card! Stop asking! Rawr!"

• The people who don't speak English-- Cue me miming shoe sizes to a variety of Spanish and French speakers.

• The people who treat me like a servant-- "Get me an 11!" "We don't have that size, sir." "Argh! A 12, then!" (again, an actual quote)

• The children-- They generally stare at me like some sort of zoo exhibit, then most break into this soul-brightening smile. Then continue to stare at me, grinning like homicidal maniacs. Oh well, I'll take it.

• The old people who don't have anyone else to talk to-- This is incredibly sad and I make a point to literally sit at their feet when they want to engage me in a conversation and I have nothing else to do. Still, I really, really don't want to hear about your current sex life. Really.

• The people who love to laugh-- Well, they're usually drunk, but laughing all the same.
  

Those are my customers in a tidy list. It's a tad sentimental of me, but I think I'll miss them all when (if) I get a real job.

K.

Grr-waah?

As is my wont, I fell off the face of the Earth for several months. That's me-- that's what I do. Until recently, though, I managed to keep my hands clapped firmly over my ears and maintaining a happy ignorance of just about everything. I wake up, go to work, sell shoes, go home, go to sleep. That's it. As a result, this is what I'm terribly uninformed about:

• the stock market crash
• the presidential election in general and the new "Who is Obama?" campaign in particular
• any sort of Israeli politics-- there was something with Livni, right?
• any new books on the market
• gas prices
• the new rabbi at my temple (not national news, but pretty world-shaking for someone who has had the same rabbi for 22 years)
  
• etc, etc, etc

The only thing I came out of my stupor for was the death of Paul Newman, who was all kinds of awesome. But now I'm fully awake... and I'm worried.

Seriously, guys, can't you do anything by yourselves? Do you really need my personal attention to keep this world functioning as it should? Well, now I'm back-- sort of. We'll see how long this lasts.