A Gentlemen's Duel

Dear Internet,

Why is this video not being shown on movie screens everywhere? Absolutely one of the best things I've seen in a long time.

Loooooove,

Kate

Miley's memoir makes me mad

Dear World,

Granted, Miley Cyrus has done quite a bit more than I have, but seriously, a memoir? The kid is fifteen-- how much can she have to say?

Until she wins the Nobel Prize, she has no reason to pen the memories of her short life and that will only happen when episodes of Hannah Montana are found to magically cure cancer and deflect asteroids hurtling towards Earth.

But, then again, Yassir Arafat managed to bag a Nobel Prize-- so I guess anything can happen on that committee.

Hugs and Kisses,

K.

An open letter to the politicans now leaving Pennsylvania

Dear politicians,

Well, another polling day over and another spotlight fading on our great state. I'm in class, but I've been spying on the CNN website for about half an hour now. Clinton is projected to win.

I'm not sure whether I like that PA is so often invaded by politicians. Sure, I've gotten to see the likes of John Edwards, John Kerry, Bill Clinton, and Barack Obama over the years, but the visits seem insincere. Tomorrow, they'll all be gone, like a one-night stand picked up from a truck stop who gives you herpes, vomits all over your bathroom, and is gone in the morning, leaving you to clean up and apply the ointment. You might look back fondly on the encounter in your weaker moments, but the persistent itching in no-no places brings you back to your senses.

So, goodbye, politicians! I'll be half-praying that we won't be a swing state this year so you don't dirty our bedsheets again.

Love,

K.

The Crappiest Catch

Dear "Deadliest Catch" guys,

Watching you guys makes me wonder whether our taste for crab is really worth the cost. I'm sure a bunch of you are adventure-seeking maniacs, but, really. I don't think Chesapeake Bay blue crab fishermen have to deal with this kind of crap-- their dangers really focus around the pollution affecting the blue population.

Do you want me to tell my brother to lay off the king crab legs? 'Cause I'll do it, if you want.

Seriously.

K.

PS. Yeah, so I doubt this will happen. I'm thinking the adventure-seeking maniacs in you are going to win out.

A Series of Political Letters

Dear Chris Matthews,

Surprisingly, you seem really nice in person. I've always thought that you are a bit of a douche on your show, but you are actually kind of cool. You have a great rapport with the audience, which I wasn't expecting. You even brought your daughter up on stage to meet Obama-- pretty cool.

Now, to business-- Chris, let me tell you, are those seriously hardball questions? Man, Obama has answered all of those questions twenty times over and he's not going to say anything new. Make him sweat, make him think. The man is terribly clever and he can totally handle it. I just would have liked to hear things that haven't been repeated over and over in the media.

Also, can you talk to your colleagues at MSNBC for me? When I came back from the show, I happened to stumble across a discussion with those talking heads, discussing the WCU taping. You were gushing about how he connected to the students, then they deleted your screen and started talking about Obama's dismal performance at the western PA bowling alley. Can he connect with the +50 voters if he can't bowl blah blah blah? Geez, guys! I don't think anybody would have given it a second thought if you all hadn't blown it all out a proportion! Honestly, I find that silly failures like that humanizing. Remember when Dubya fell off the Segway? To me, it made him seem less like an elitist asshole and more like a guy who has issues with technology. I'm still not his biggest fan, but I can at least admit that. Can we just give it a break and get back to the issues? kthanx

Sincerely,

K.


Dear Barack Obama,

I'm still undecided, but I think you did a great job. Granted, you had a few too many softball questions, but you are a consummate showman and worked this crowd of college students like a rented mule. I thought girls (and guys) were going to throw their panties up on stage.

My only complaint is that you spoke so quietly-- up here in the nosebleed seats, we heard about every fourth word. Again, not really your fault. You don't use speech volumes when you're on a question and answer program. Still :(.

Sincerely,

K.

Google is the King of April Fools'

Dear Google,

Your new April Fools' page is brilliant. May I come and work for you? Please?

Love,

K.