(The United States Postal Service may be off on Sundays, but that doesn't mean that I can't still write a letter.)
Dear Christmas shoppers (specifically those on Rt. 30 within Lancaster proper),
First, let me wish you a felicitous holiday season. Normally, I'm incredibly annoyed by this point in the year. The Christmas muzak all over the radio and in drugstore has a tendency to wear on my nerves. I honestly don't know how you all can stand it. Is there a gene that makes a constant repetition of "Little Drummer Boy" bearable? Or is it sheer strength of mind? Whatever it is, I envy you. Oddly enough, by staying inside for most of December, I've managed to avoid any sort of Christmas input. So, for once, I am-- dare I say it?-- jolly. Ho. ho. ho.
But that's not what this letter is about. No, I'm really taking time out of my busy schedule to ask you what the hell you all were about on Rt. 30 tonight. I understand that, in the old days, you needed to drive out to shops to snag the perfect Christmas gift, even if you screwed yourself over by procrastinating. But, Christmas shoppers, we have the internet now, with store open 24/7. You can any sort of anything on this wonderful web of ours. With this in mind, I must ask you to show some sense from now on and not venture out on stormy nights for those last minutes gifts, especially if I'm trying to get home. You see, I normally wouldn't have been out at all, but my fridge at school needed to be cleaned, lest I come back from break to find a puddle of veggie mush seeping on to my kitchen floor. My drive back was not pleasant, people. With all of your lane-changing foolishness and general rudeness on the road, I arrived home and had to pry my fingers from the ten-and-two position with my feet. I don't believe that I have blinked at all in the last hour.
My friends, I am not asking for anything outrageous-- just that you vacate an entire highway for just an hour while I try to get back home. I'm sure that's not too much trouble. Oh, and while you're at it, a small gift would be nice-- perhaps an Amazon gift certificate? You wouldn't even have to leave the house for that one.
Thanks and much holiday joy to you all,
PS. And for those of you with a more Hebraic persuasion, could I tempt you with this little morsel?